it's been so long since i've written anything here, so this hardly seems the thing to start with again. but it will be. because i don't know where else to put this.

i read yours. maybe someday you'll read mine.

you'll read mine and you'll see that it all has an explanation. that it might be weird, but that you're the only one who i really believe would ever actually understand, and at the same time you're the only one i can't say it to.

do you ever think that being prohibited from something makes you want it more? it's not a thrill to try to break a rule, it's humiliating. soul crushing even. and i hate myself every time i think about doing it.

because he doesn't deserve it. or does he? but he doesn't deserve the feelings he'd have if i did.

on the other hand. this is making it worse.

it makes me feel desperate. it makes me feel ... like maybe we missed a moment.

a very important moment.

and i hate saying that, it sounds crazy. it sounds desperate. it sounds how i would never want myself to come across. on the other hand, not talking, not ... anything. this is what it does.

and on nights like these. on weeks and months like these... when all i want to do is to do what my first impulse always used to be. i want to call. i want to text. i want to feel ... understood again.

but i don't want to hurt you. or what you have. i don't want to ruin your good thing, if it is a good thing.


... i've started having dreams again. those dreams.

you know, i'm really sick and tired of people criticizing student's work, especially when they say that they don't edit, and then make editing mistakes in their criticism.

i just really wish that the critics would at least get it right if they're going to pick on other people about it.

i go home in two days.

then the work begins. i have to shoot some engagement photos and pack everything in under twelve hours.

then i move, both into salem and into albany.

andy and hunter have walk throughs for a couple houses today. i hope it works out.

something's got to work out.

well, today i finally had a melt down.

i've been trying to be happy for everyone, and do everything, and it all got to be too much today. i was trying to be here on vacation, and in oregon for andy. i was trying to keep andy in good spirits even though houses keep not working out, and trying to keep everyone in my family in good spirits because they're all picking on each other. but i just couldn't do it anymore today, it was all too stressful and i was also trying to get all my information for the house faxed today and i only had about an hour to do it all.

so finally when andy and i talked, actually got to talk, this afternoon, i just told him that i wish i could just be sitting at home and just cry. and then i started to. i just broke down and started crying so hard. andy was perfect though, he just sat with me for a few minutes and then when i'd calmed down just a little he hung up for a few minutes and wrapped up whatever he was in the middle of at work and took his lunch just so he could sit with me on the phone while i cried.

finally he calmed me down and i felt so much better and so i went to the beach to join everyone else. but by the time i got there everyone was at each other's throats. it's been hell dealing with this family. mom even suggested me going home early because there's so much to take care of.

and the house fell through. it's just been so much and i don't know what to do.

the boys went house shopping again tonight, and it seems that we've found new prospects that have made them forget the disappointment of losing the last two which were perfect. these are more expensive, but do-able.

i just don't know if i should let them take care of it and stay two extra days here, or if i should go home. going home wouldn't be to help them with the houses, but it would give me a couple extra days to pack before driving down to oregon instead of having to do all my packing and mary's engagement photos all in less than 12 hours before getting up and driving to oregon.

thoughts? ideas? (asap)

tomorrow andy and i are looking into a house that we really need, and it's a long shot that we'll get.

and i'm not even there, so i'll be doing everything by fax.

we need a place now. i should be there, but i can't be. and, like i said, we need a miracle.


so if we could get prayers, good vibes, good karma, anything... that'd be great.


fingers crossed, here's hoping.

everything's going to pieces while i'm away.


and i miss andy. i need so desperately to be back with him where i feel at home.
i don't want to vacation anymore. i just want that.


in other news, i got the cherry redd job.

it'd be so cool if andy and i could both have good karma tomorrow. no more flats, good luck for him, safe travelling for me. we'll need it.


and by karma i mean god's love and protection and blessings.
send it my way.


(rub the buddha belly for luck, my parents always used to say.)

i feel like there's a lot i need to catch up on. i also know that i have no time right now to take care of it. i have to make a hair appt. but maybe later. maybe later i'll find time to write about all of the ... just stuff that's been going on. i need to write soon.

i'm really starting to resent this summer away from andy. i still don't understand why my parents were so set on us being apart this summer, or why they lied about their offer to help andy and i see each other often. the original deal was if i came home for the summer then they would finance all of my trips to see andy whether by train or by car, and they would also help andy pay for his gas when he came to see me.

when they offered this i figured it was the best deal i could possibly get and if i couldn't be with andy then this would at least let me see him as often as possible. so with that in mind i came home, only to find out that they completely lied. about all of it. they aren't going to help me financially in any way, nor are they going to help andy. so now i'm stuck up here, in a different state from andy, spending more money to see him occassionally than it would've cost me to ignore my parent's wishes and live with him or near him in salem.

and it wasn't so bad at first. i was really frustrated with them, and offended that they treated me and my trust so badly. i honestly never expected them to be so coniving and untrustworthy. i really believed they were going to try to help us as much as they could. but instead they seem to be trying to keep us apart. it completely boggles my mind, they love andy, they have nothing against him, but they're trying to make our lives difficult on purpose.

normally i'm actually okay, he calls every day that he can, and he really does try to call even when he isn't at work and all he has is the safeway payphone, he still tries to call. but some days he just can't, either he forgets at work, or mainly he doesn't have enough change to use the payphone on days when he doesn't work and can't use his work phone to call me. we don't even have email or anything. he doesn't have internet or a wireless adapter in his computer. i guess we could do snail mail but that takes awhile and i tend to forget to send letters even though i'm good about writing them.

now i don't know what to do. andy found an amazing apartment that would have a lot more space in the same building as the one he's living in already. but he couldn't afford it unless he had me living with him. it'd be such a boost from the small studio he has now though. i just don't know what to do. the plan for next year was to have my parents pay rent at a house i'm going to be living in with some other willamette students, but really for the most part live with andy in his apartment just like i did last semester. it seemed ridiculous, but my parents wouldn't let us live together even if it meant that andy would then be able to save money on rent cos i'd be covering it and he could really start paying off his loans. and so we were just going to lie to my parents and let them pour money into this place even though i'd barely be there. i've got to figure out what we're going to do for next year. i want him to stay in salem so that i can keep living with him and seeing him almost every day if not everyday. but he can't afford the space he wants in salem without me, his apartment is starting to feel too cramped to him i think, and it'd be cheaper for him to live in albany near where he works so he could save on gas and commuting time. i'm starting to feel fucked. and i miss him like crazy. and i'm starting to wonder what my parents would really actually do if i just lived with andy anyway and put whatever money i earn into rent with him?

i know they wouldn't cover any of it, so it'd have to be whatever i could earn on my own, but i wonder if i could actually manage that. i don't want to lie to them. i do still need a minor amount of financial assistance from them. but i really do love andy, and i do think that this is going to last. i also happen to believe that living together with someone when you're with them can be really beneficial and tell you just how compatible you actually are with them. i see andy and i living together as being the most beneficial living arrangement possible. now i need to figure out how to make my parents see that too.

ugh.

i just discovered that firefly is on scifi today from 8 am - 4 pm.

and it seems to be all episodes that i've never seen :) woo!


now maybe i'll make myself some pancakes or something. maybe lay out in the sun. it's another gorgeous day outside.

now the only thing i'm missing is my boy :/ this show reminds me of him.
i guess sooner or later i'll have that near me too.